Aarons Lament
by ajfankeith
Summary: Aaron is pining for his lost love. Then, something remarkable happens.
1. Chapter 1

Aaron's Lament – Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

Aaron was on his bed in Smithy Cottage, staring at the ceiling in his room. It had been three weeks since he had lost Jackson; three weeks of constant pain; an ache in his soul that gnawed away at him. Jackson had been his mentor, his comforter, his rock. He loved Paddy, he loved his Mum, he loved Adam in a platonic way, yet Jackson had been different; someone he had fallen in love with; a soul mate. Now, Aaron had been cast adrift on an endless sea of loneliness; nothing and no-one to grab hold of to pull him safely back to shore.

What was he to do now? The thought of suicide had flashed through his mind more than once, but he dismissed it. It would be all too easy to lock himself in the garage and let the fumes engulf him; just like before; but he promised Jackson he would never do that again; and, even in death, he could not betray him.

Adam had been a good friend, as always; he called on Aaron frequently to check that he was feeling OK. He often invited him out; offering to accompany him to Bar West if he wanted to go; but Aaron always refused the offer. He was not ready to face Bar West yet; his grief was still too raw.

Aaron sat up; he decided that he needed a drink. These days, he ate and drank just to survive, nothing more. There was no pleasure in it; there was no pleasure in anything anymore. He headed downstairs to the kitchen and flipped the switch on the kettle to make a cup of tea.

Mug of tea in hand, he wandered into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He noticed the stack of CD's next to him and looked through them, picking one out that he had not noticed before. It was a film soundtrack to one of Rhona's girly chick-flicks called "When I Needed You", but something caught his eye. About half way down the track listing, there was a song entitled "Aaron's Lament". He thought to himself that it was strange he had never come across it before; but why would he? Rhona's taste in films hardly matched his own.

Aaron loaded the CD into the player and selected the track. Violins began to play and a man began singing a slow song. Aaron listened, open-mouthed, to the words:

"_I cannot close my eyes at night _

_Yet it is only sleep that can bring you back to me in my dreams_

_If my tears could form a river which flowed to heaven; I could swim back to you_

_If my empty arms could become wings; I could fly back to you_

_My aching heart has a vacant space which can only be filled by you_

_Baby, your name on my lips makes them tremble with grief_

_You were my first true love; no one else can know me like you_

_I am yours; I'll always be yours_

_Goodnight, sweet baby, until we meet again_"

By the end of the song, tears were streaming down Aaron's face. It was as if someone had delved into his feelings and put them out on display. He sobbed uncontrollably; when would he ever be happy again?

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A week later, it was just another normal day at the garage. Cain was in his usual foul mood; Aaron ignored him as much as possible; his own mood was not much better. Cain had been sympathetic to Aaron's loss, he had actually liked Jackson, but he had never been good at talking about his feelings; he did not know what to say to Aaron.

Aaron had his head under the bonnet of a car on the forecourt, when he heard a car pull up behind him.

"Excuse me," a voice said, "Could you help me?"

Aaron was about to tell the man that he was busy but something stopped him dead in his tracks. That was Jackson's voice! No, it couldn't be! He turned round to look at the owner of the voice and nearly dropped his spanner; for there stood a man who was the very image of Jackson! Unlike Jackson, he had curly blond hair, longer than Jackson's had been; and was clean-shaven, but the resemblance was remarkable. He decided, straight away, that he wanted this doppelganger to stick around. He was intrigued.

When Aaron finally regained his composure, he asked, "What's up, mate?"

"Damn thing conked out on me about half a mile up the road! I got her started again, but I'm not sure whether I'll make it to Hotten unless I get it checked out. You couldn't take a look, could you?"

Aaron was about to give his best "We're too busy," speech, but he was captivated by this man. Not identical to Jackson by any means; but the likeness was startling.

"Yeah, sure," Aaron said. He flipped the bonnet catch and took a look in the engine compartment. "There's your problem," he said, securing a lead which was about to part company with a terminal.

"Is that all it was?" the man looked a bit embarrassed, "I'm afraid I don't know much about cars! What do I owe you?"

Aaron held his hands up, "It's OK, I haven't really done anything."

"Oh please, let me give you something," the man insisted.

Aaron was thinking on his feet, he really did not want this man to disappear into the sunset, so he said, "You can buy me a pint at the pub, if you want."

The man looked up the road at the Woolpack, "Is that your local?" he asked.

"Yeah," replied Aaron, he looked into the man's brown eyes which looked so familiar to him; he thought it an unusual combination; brown eyes and blond hair, but it was very attractive, "I'm due a lunch break in five minutes; wait a minute; I might as well go now."

Aaron watched the man walk back to his car, his gait, his demeanour; everything about him shouted "Jackson." How could this be? Was he dreaming? He pinched himself but, no; he was definitely awake!

As they walked to the pub, they introduced themselves to each other. Aaron and his new friend walked up to the bar in the Woolpack. Chas looked at him, then at his companion; like Aaron she did a double-take when she first saw this new man. Marlon appeared from the kitchen and had the same expression on his face as Chas. The stranger thought it a bit odd; the looks he was getting, but assumed these 'country' types always stared at people they did not know!

The stranger spoke, "One pint and a coke please," he said, politely.

"This is my Mum, Chas" Aaron introduced his mother to the new man, "This is Jayson," he gestured towards his companion.

"Nice to meet you," said Chas, as she poured the drinks.

"Likewise," replied Jayson. He paid for the drinks and they sat at a table. Jayson was still aware that he was getting rather strange looks, but he shrugged it off.

"Nice pub this, Aaron" said Jayson, "I've seen it when I've been passing before, but this is the first time I've been in."

"Yeah, it's OK I suppose," replied Aaron, desperate to get a conversation going, "So, do you live in Hotten?"

"Certainly do. I take it you live here; in the village."

"Yeah. I only have a short walk to work, which is handy. What do you do? Don't tell me, you're a builder?"

"What made you say that?" Jayson asked.

"No reason," Aaron felt a bit foolish now; there was no reason why should he be a builder, he told himself.

"Well, I actually have a shop in Hotten, selling records. We trade in collectable vinyl, that sort of thing."

"Oh, I see."

"Do you like music?"

"Yeah, but my stuff's on CD!"

"Most music is these days; either that or downloaded" Jayson said, wistfully.

"So, why aren't you in your shop today?" asked Aaron.

"My partner is running it today, it's my day off."

"Partner?" queried Aaron.

"Yes, business partner; Vic."

"I see."

"We do have CD's as well; you have to stock them these days if you want to grow sales. You'll have to pop in some time; I'll give you my card."

Jayson handed Aaron a card. He read the names on it, "JayVic Sounds. Proprietors: Jayson Wallace and Victor Wallace."

"Is he your brother?" asked Aaron.

"Cousin," replied Jayson.

Aaron thought it spooky that Jayson's initials were JW.

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After Jayson left, for the rest of the day, Aaron could not get him out of his head. He was so much like Jackson it was uncanny; the same voice, the same build, even a very similar personality. He wondered if he was gay; which would make the similarity with his dear departed boyfriend even more uncanny. But, he dismissed the notion; it was, after all, none of his business.

That evening, Aaron called in to the Woolpack.

"Good to see you out and about," said Chas, "Your friend seemed nice."

"He's not a friend," replied Aaron, "He called at the garage and I helped him with his car and he wanted to buy me a drink."

"I couldn't believe it when I saw him. He was the image of Jackson!"

"You don't need to tell me!" said Aaron, "It was amazing!"

A few days later, Aaron found himself outside Jayson's shop in Hotten.

"What am I doing here?" he asked himself; and was on the point of turning heel and walking away when Jayson came out of the shop with a bucket of water in his hand.

He spotted Aaron standing outside and recognised him. "Hi Aaron, you took me up on my offer then."

"What?" Aaron looked bemused.

"To pop into the shop!"

"Oh, yeah; thought I'd come and give the place the once over!"

"Good, come on in!"

Aaron entered the shop with Jayson right behind him. A tall, stocky man with long brown hair was standing behind the counter.

"Vic," Jayson addressed the man behind the counter, "This is Aaron, he's the one that rescued me the other day."

Vic extended his hand to shake Aaron's.

"Hardly rescued!" replied Aaron, "You make me sound like a hero!"

"Oh, but you are!" replied Vic, "Jay hasn't stopped singing your praises since! He had visions of being stranded out in the wilds!"

Jayson went outside again to clean something off the window. Aaron looked around the shop while Jayson was otherwise engaged. After a while, he came back inside and spoke to his cousin, "Well, it's my lunchtime. Fancy a drink Aaron?"

Aaron looked at Jayson and smiled, "Yeah; that would be nice. My round I think!"

Aaron and Jayson sat in the bar of the pub just round the corner to Jayson's shop.

"Do you normally drink in here?" asked Aaron.

"Sometimes," replied Jayson, "It's handy, you know, but I prefer country pubs mainly. Your local is nice, that's the sort of place I usually like."

Aaron decided to take the bull by the horns, "Have you ever been to Bar West?"

"No I haven't; I know it, but I've never been."

"I have, quite a lot."

"Oh! Is it good?"

"Yeah, I like it; at least, I used to."

"I've thought about going there but, well, I'm a bit shy. Going into a gay bar on my own is a bit daunting."

"Tell me about it. I was bricking it when I first went there. Didn't really know who I was, you know."

"Yeah, I know! Coming out is not always easy, is it?"

"So, you're..." Aaron felt uncomfortable asking Jayson outright if he was gay.

"Yeah, I am."

"Me too!"

"Listen, say no if you don't want to, but how about we go there together; tonight maybe?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," Aaron was glad he could think of going to Bar West again and with someone he felt attracted to.

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Aaron was getting ready to go out. He did like Jayson, the little he had seen of him, but he was beginning to have doubts. Was he attracted to this guy simply because he reminded him of Jackson? Would he have agreed to go out with him otherwise? Was it too soon to be going on a date with anyone so soon after Jackson's demise? Then, he remembered Jackson's words, "Don't grieve for me too long, go out and find someone else, I don't want you to be lonely after I'm gone."

Aaron nearly chickened out of the meeting with Jayson, but he told himself he was being stupid. "What harm could it do; it's only a drink!" he thought to himself. Suddenly, he remembered uttering those same words to Paddy when he first went out with Jackson; he knew even then that it was more than just a drink. The only difference was; this time around, Aaron was the confident one and Jayson was the hesitant one going into Bar West.

Aaron pulled on his jacket and headed out of the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron's Lament – Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

It was busy at Bar West that night. Later in the evening, there was to be a karaoke contest and the staff were playing recordings by previous Pop Idol and X Factor artists. Jayson and Aaron found a table in a quieter corner so that they had a chance to chat, but the music was still at high volume.

"Busy in here, isn't it?" said Jayson loudly, above the noise.

"Yeah," replied Aaron, "We should have come on a quieter night!"

"Never mind. Oh! I like this one," Jayson started to rock around in his seat to the song which had just started.

"You do?" Aaron seemed surprised, "Didn't know you were into the X Factor!"

"Not X Factor, this is 'Sunshine' by Gareth Gates, he was in Pop Idol."

"You're quite the expert," Aaron joked, "In his fan club, are you?"

"No, but Vic's wife Heather is; she has all his CD's. She dragged us down to the West End in London last month to see Gareth in Les Miserables; I must say he was very good in it."

"Wasn't he in Boyzone or something? Wasn't there somebody called 'Gates' in that?"

"No, maybe you're thinking of Stephen Gately. He was the gay one in the group. He died and he was only young. It was a shame; he seemed to be so happy with his husband!"

Aaron suddenly had a pang of sorrow, thinking about losing someone close; he felt tears welling up, "Just got to go to the loo!" he said to Jayson; and made a quick exit from the table.

Jayson sat patiently awaiting Aaron's return. He had noticed that Aaron suddenly looked upset and wondered what was troubling him. He thought about asking him, on his return, if everything was OK.

Aaron stood in the toilets and looked in the mirror, "Get a grip!" he scolded himself, "Jayson's going to think you're a proper muppet!" He looked at the tears running down his cheeks; they were never far from the surface, "He'll think he's on a date with a right prat!"

Aaron reappeared at the table and took his seat again. Jayson looked at him, "You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah," replied Aaron. It seemed Aaron did not want to elaborate, so Jayson did not press him further; but he felt something was definitely amiss.

"So," Aaron continued; desperate to change the subject, "Are you seeing anybody at the moment?"

"No, are you?"

"No."

"Then I can ask you out again? That is, if you want to go out again; and I'm not boring you with music trivia! I do tend to witter on about my day job, but then, it is my hobby as well."

"It's nice to have a hobby," replied Aaron, "I don't really have one; well, I do like cars, but I can't afford one of my own!"

"You will one day!" Jayson said, "Bet you'll be on your third Mercedes by the time you're thirty!"

"Yeah, I wish! Anyway, tell me something about you. I've met your cousin, any other family? Mum, Dad, brothers or whatever?"

"No, my Mum died six months ago; cancer."

"I'm sorry!"

"Thanks, it was a happy release really; but you never get over losing someone close."

Aaron fought to keep his emotions in check; the loss of Jackson was still fresh in his memory, "What about your Dad?"

"Well, my stepdad, Brian, passed away when I was fifteen. I never knew my real Dad."

"How come?"

"Well, when she was young, my Mum had an affair with a married man; and I was the result! She never saw him again once she was expecting me. So, my stepdad was always like my real Dad to me; he and Mum brought me up; I can't believe I'm telling you all this! I must be boring you rigid!"

"No, you're not. I'm interested; really I am. So, you've never met your real Dad?"

"No. I've thought about trying to trace him; but I don't know if he'd want to see me; I'm probably a 'dirty little secret' that he doesn't want his wife to know about."

"But you've got a right to know who he is! I never got on with my Dad; or my Mum until recently, but I do know who they are!"

"I know what you mean; I might try to make contact one day; I don't even know if he's still alive!"

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Aaron was torn. He sat in his room at Smithy Cottage, thinking about Jayson. He liked the guy; he liked him a lot; but were his feelings really for Jayson himself, or did he have these feelings because Jayson reminded him so much of Jackson? He wished that he could have opened up to Jayson and told him about Jackson; but he felt that if he started talking about him the flood gates would have opened and he would have sat there blubbing, in the middle of Bar West; where he and Jackson had spent so many happy times.

Maybe Bar West was the wrong place for a heart to heart, he thought. After all, the music that night had been very loud and it would have been difficult to talk about anything; let alone an emotional unburdening like this. He would tell Jayson, he decided, but somewhere quiet; somewhere more intimate where it would not matter if he broke down while he was speaking. Though, he still felt uncomfortable talking about his lost love; especially with someone he barely knew. If he showed any sign of weakness, he did not know how Jayson would react.

Jayson was also torn. He sat in the back room of his shop, having a tea break. Aaron was on his mind. He knew something was bothering the lad. What was the problem? Was it Jayson himself? Had he come across as a bit 'nerdy', talking about music, stars of reality shows and opening up about his family history on a first date? He liked Aaron very much; even though he barely knew him. Somehow, he felt a connection but he did not know why. Jayson had always been shy; he had never had a boyfriend and had only recently come out to his cousin Vic. He had agonised about it, knowing Vic was straight. Would this be the end of their professional partnership and their relationship? But, he could not live a lie, so one day; he sat his cousin down and told him. Vic looked at him, smiled; and said that he knew all along! They were so close; there was no way he could not have guessed. Vic hugged his cousin, told him how brave he was; told him it made no difference and he still loved him; he would always be there for him. Jayson cried tears of joy and relief.

Aaron was deep in thought when his mobile rang; he saw that it was Jayson calling and he answered, "Hi mate, how are you."

"Hi Aaron. I'm fine, thanks," came the reply from Jayson, "fancy meeting up for a drink or something?"

"Yeah, where?"

"How about your pub, what was it; the Woolpack?"

Aaron's previous thoughts came to mind; he really wanted a quiet talk with Jayson, away from prying eyes and ears, "Tell you what; why not come round to my place so we can have a proper chat? I'll get some cans in. It's Smithy Cottage, you can't miss it."

"OK, that will be nice. I'll see you soon."

As Jayson drove to Emmerdale, his mind was racing. He wondered what Aaron wanted to talk to him about; was it that he felt he could not continue to see Jayson anymore? If so, what had he done to upset him? There again; Aaron had invited him over, surely he could have dumped him over the phone? Anyway, maybe 'dumped' was not the right expression; they were not exactly in a relationship! He'd never been in a relationship anyway; he was new to all this.

Aaron answered the knock at the door. He invited Jayson in and sat him down on the sofa.

"Do you want beer, or Coke?" asked Aaron.

"Coke, thanks; as I'm driving."

They sat in silence, taking swigs from their cans. Neither of them knew what to say first.

"Thanks for coming over," Aaron began, "Did you have a good journey?"

"Yeah, fine thanks, my car's running like a dream since you fixed it. You've got the magic touch!"

"I didn't exactly fix it. It was only a loose lead!"

"Well, anyway, what was it you wanted to talk about; I'm sure it wasn't the finer points of motor mechanics!"

"Look Jayson, I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid if I start talking I'll start crying; and I don't want you to think I'm soft."

"I won't think that. You should see me when the waterworks start! I cry at girly films, me!"

Aaron decided to stop beating about the bush, "I want to tell you about my boyfriend, Jackson. You are so like him it's uncanny. Anyway, I lost him a few weeks back and I'm having trouble getting over it."

"When you say you lost him..."

"He died!" Aaron's bottom lip began to quiver.

"Oh Aaron, I'm so sorry!"

"It's OK," Aaron tried to compose himself, "It's good to talk about it; I've been bottling it up, but I've got to get it out of my system somehow," the tears started to fall, regardless of Aaron's attempts to stop them.

"Take your time," said Jayson, softly, "There's no rush. You just tell me what you want to tell me."

For the next twenty minutes, Aaron regaled Jayson with the whole story; the train crash, the paralysis, the final days of Jackson's life; everything. He faltered, he choked back tears, but he kept going. When he finally stopped talking, Jayson took Aaron's hand in his and spoke, "I can't believe it, how awful. I'm surprised you have been able to cope with all this, I don't know if I could!"

"I just didn't want to appear weak," Aaron took comfort in Jayson's hand in his.

"Weak? To get through all that; no; you're strong. Most people would have fallen to pieces."

"Well, I feel like I've fallen to pieces! I miss him so much!" Aaron began to sob, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this!"

Jayson drew Aaron into a hug. Aaron was going to resist; but he felt comforted and safe. He also felt guilty that he could feel this way with someone else; not Jackson. But, Jayson's warm embrace was like a soft blanket, soothing away his anguish.

Aaron finally pulled away.

"I'm sorry," said Jayson, "I didn't mean to do that. Maybe I should go."

"No," insisted Aaron, "Please stay for a while. I don't want you to go."

"You know," Jayson continued, "I was really worried when I drove over here. I thought you wanted a quiet chat so that you could tell me you didn't want to see me anymore. I had no idea that you were going to tell me all this!"

"I bet you think I'm a right soft git!"

"No, never! You are one of the strongest people I've ever met!"

"Anyway, enough about me!" Aaron wiped away the remainder of his tears and looked into those big brown eyes; eyes so similar to those that he never expected to gaze into again, "Have you had any more thoughts about tracing your father?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure where to start. My mum once told me that her brother; that's Vic's dad, has some family documents kept safely at his house. I called round on my way here and my birth certificate was there; I've never looked at it before, but my real father's name is on it."

"So, was his name Wallace?" asked Aaron.

"No, that was my mother's maiden name; she wanted me to have her name; that's why I have the same surname as my cousin Vic."

"So, what was your real father's name?"

Aaron was not prepared for the shock that hit him when Jayson told him, "His name was Walsh!"


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron's Lament – Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

Aaron stared at Jayson in disbelief; the young mechanic had turned as white as a sheet.

"What's the matter?" asked Jayson, "You look as if you've seen a ghost!"

"Walsh? But that was Jackson's name! Are you sure?"

Jayson produced a document from his pocket, "Yes, here it is," he showed his birth certificate to Aaron.

Aaron looked at it. Sure enough, it said, "Father's name: Jeremy Walsh."

"Oh, my God!" Aaron exclaimed, "You both have the same father; you and Jackson! That explains it."

"Explains what?" asked Jayson.

"Why you are so much like him."

"Do you know where my real father is then?" Jayson, like Aaron, was trying hard to take it all in.

"Well, sort of. I know how to get in contact with him, that's assuming I'm right and he is your father; but he must be."

"Wait a minute though; we still don't know if he'd want to meet me. It could blow his marriage apart! I wouldn't want that!"

"Don't worry; he and Hazel split up years ago. He's remarried since; has another little boy called Josh."

"So, I've got a brother, well a half brother; and, if what you say is right; I was Jackson's half brother too. I wish I'd met him." Jayson had a sudden sense of loss; even though it was for someone he had never seen.

"I'll show you a picture," said Aaron as he produced the photograph of Jackson that he always kept with him.

Jayson looked at the picture and tears began to well up in his eyes, "He was just like me!"

Aaron put his arm around Jayson to comfort him; he suddenly felt a real closeness to him; as if part of Jackson still lived on.

"Look, it's me who's being soft now!" Jayson wiped away his tears, "That explains the funny looks I got when we first went into the pub; they must have had a shock seeing me!"

"Not like the shock I got when I first saw you! I thought Jackson had come back to life!"

"Sorry!" Jayson apologised.

"What for?"

"For giving you a shock."

"It's not your fault! You weren't to know you were the image of my boyfriend; any more than you knew who your real father is." Aaron tried to put Jayson's mind at rest.

"So, as you know him; do you think he'd be prepared to meet me?"

"I don't know. He can be a bit of a pain in the arse! He gave Jackson a hard time when he was younger too, about being gay." Aaron grimaced.

"So, he may not be that delighted at meeting another gay son!" Jayson looked a bit concerned.

"Well, he did mellow a bit after I met him; maybe it wouldn't be too bad."

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Aaron was tossing and turning in his bed; he never slept well these days, ever since Jackson's death. Now, he had a lot more to contend with; he was falling for Jackson's half brother, but he could not decide if it was because he liked Jayson as a person in his own right; or whether, in his head, Jayson was simply a replacement for Jackson.

The next morning, he walked into the kitchen to find Paddy already up and about.

Paddy took one look at him, "You look rough!" he said.

"Cheers, Paddy!" was Aaron's sarcastic reply.

"Had a bad night?" asked the vet.

"You could say that," Aaron yawned.

"Something's bothering you, isn't it? Something other than Jackson, I mean."

"Yeah."

"Is it this new guy you met? Chas said he's the image of Jackson."

"Jayson, yeah," Aaron was being his usual evasive self.

"Let me help you," Paddy looked concerned, "You know I want everything to be alright for you. What's the problem?"

"It looks like he could be Jackson's half-brother!"

Paddy looked as shocked as Aaron had when he first found out, "What?" he exclaimed.

"It seems Jerry was a busy boy when he was younger!" Aaron continued, "Trouble is now, I like Jayson a lot; but I feel I'd be cheating on Jackson and that I only like Jayson because he reminds me of Jackson. Me head's mashed."

"Wow, I didn't see this coming!"

"Tell me about it."

"I don't know what to say," Paddy scratched his head.

"Thanks, Paddy! You're a great help!" Aaron rolled his eyes.

"Sorry! It's a bit of a shock! So, this Jayson; you get on well with him?"

"Yeah, I really feel close to him; I can't believe I'm saying this!" Aaron began to retreat into his emotional shell.

"Then I'd say just go with the flow. Jackson would want you to move on. I'm sure, if he'd known Jayson, he would have been pleased that he had a brother to look out for you."

Aaron thought about Paddy's words; he silently took them on board; his surrogate father usually came up with good advice, even though Aaron did not always take it.

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Jerry sat in the Woolpack; Aaron had asked if he would meet him there. He was surprised to receive the request; after all, he and Aaron had never really got on and only tolerated each other for Jackson's sake; and now; Jackson was gone. Still, he told himself, Aaron might have something important to say about his late son.

Aaron arrived and bought them both a drink.

"I want to ask you something personal," Aaron said nervously, "I hope you're not going to be offended; or go off on one!"

"Look, whatever it is; spit it out lad!" Jerry replied in his usual brusque manner.

"Well, the thing is; I don't know how to put this, did you used to know a woman called Jayne Wallace?"

Shock was not the word for the look on Jerry's face. How could Aaron know about the affair that he had all those years ago? He decided to be honest, "Yes, I did; but what's that got to do with you?"

"Nothing, well, not directly. It just confirms something, that's all."

"Confirms what, exactly; you're not making any sense!"

"OK, I might as well come clean now; I've met your son; the one you had with Jayne Wallace I mean!"

Jerry felt a flush of embarrassment in his cheeks; as if his private life had suddenly been put on display. He momentarily thought about denying everything; but what would be the point? So many thoughts were racing through his head; how did Aaron know all this? What were his motives? Why did this matter to him? He decided to tell Aaron the truth.

"Look, Aaron," Jerry began, "I don't know what you're playing at, but yes; I did have a son with Jayne Wallace. It was an affair with her that split up me and Hazel; it was the last straw as far as she was concerned; but I didn't really blame her. I never saw the lad after he was born; it was over between me and Jayne anyway; I thought she might have gone for a termination after we called it a day; but she went ahead and had the baby. She didn't want anything to do with me; so that was that. Anyway, how is she now?"

"She died about six months ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You said you've met my son?"

"Yeah, Jayson. He's the image of Jackson; I couldn't believe it when we first met; but I didn't know then what I know now! He'd like to meet you."

"Yeah, I'd like to meet him too."

"There's just one thing though; he is a lot like Jackson; in every way!" Aaron wondered if Jerry would take the hint.

"He's gay, you mean?" Jerry looked a little stunned.

"Yeah, still want to meet him?"

"What is it with me and gay sons?" Jerry said sardonically, "Yeah, of course I want to meet him."

"Good; 'cos he's waiting at the cricket pavilion! I'll give him a call to say we're on the way, shall I?"

Jayson sat waiting patiently at the pavilion; not knowing whether he was doing the right thing. He sat staring across the landscape; this spot was so beautiful. If his father did agree to meet him; he wanted it to be in a quiet place. Suddenly, his mobile rang.

"Hi Aaron." he answered, "Yes, I'm still waiting here. He does? Great! See you soon."

Jayson had butterflies in his stomach; he was finally going to meet the person who had given him life. A part of him wanted to run away; but a bigger part wanted to see this through. Just then, he saw Aaron approaching with an apprehensive looking Jerry.

As soon as Jerry set eyes on Jayson, he let out an involuntary "Oh...my...God!" The likeness to Jackson was striking; yet this young man was even more like him with his hair colouring. Jayson put his hand out to shake Jerry's, but Jerry pulled the lad into a hug. Aaron looked on; in spite of himself he was touched by the display of affection between them.

"I'm so sorry!" Jerry said, with tears in his eyes.

"What for?" asked Jayson.

"For not being there for you. For abandoning you when you were a baby. I've been a crap father!"

"I've had a lovely childhood with wonderful parents," Jayson replied, "There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad I can finally fit the last piece into the jigsaw!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Aaron ordered his drink at the bar and sat on a stool, awaiting Jayson's arrival. He smiled wryly; Jayson had been nervous about going to Bar West before they had met; now he had no qualms about it if he was going to meet Aaron there!

Suddenly, a flushed Jayson appeared. "Sorry I'm late," he said, breathlessly, "Vic's not in today and I got caught up with a late customer. It's always the way when you want to get away quickly!"

"No sweat!" replied Aaron, "I've got you a beer in, as you're not driving."

"Thanks. Oh, and thanks again for setting up that meeting with my dad; I don't think I could have done it without you."

"All part of the service!" quipped Aaron, "Anyway, how did you get on, meeting his wife and Josh."

"Yeah, it was really nice. Little Josh is adorable, isn't he!"

"Jackson loved him, too. I suppose it's a 'brother' thing!" Aaron joked; he was pleased that he was starting to talk about Jackson without falling apart.

"Anyway, what are we going to do this evening? Stay here, or go on somewhere else?"

"I don't mind, what do you want to do?"

"We could go back to mine later if you want. Watch a DVD or something."

Aaron suddenly had a feeling of déjà vu. In the past, he had done a similar thing so many times with Jackson. Now, here he was; without Jackson and yet enjoying the company of a man who reminded him of his lost love in so many ways. "Yeah, that would be good!" he replied.

Later in the evening, back at Jayson's flat, they were watching a film together when Jayson suddenly put his arm around Aaron and kissed him.

Aaron pulled away abruptly, "What are you doing?" he gasped.

"Sorry!" Jayson immediately apologised, "I'm really sorry Aaron!" He felt that he had just ruined everything between them.

"It's OK!" Aaron was overcome with guilt; he did not want to upset Jayson; he liked him a lot and had actually enjoyed the kiss, "It just came as a bit of a shock, that's all."

"Shall I call you a cab home?" Jayson looked mortified.

"No, it's OK; really it is. I just don't know if I'm ready for...you know!"

"Yeah, I get it; I should have played it cool. You're not ready yet."

"That's not to say I won't be ready; one day." Aaron tried to reassure Jayson, "I like you; I like you a lot. But it's just..."

"You're not over Jackson yet?" Jayson said softly.

"No, not yet; but I'm getting there!"


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron's Lament – Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

Jayson was wide awake. It seemed the more he tried to get off to sleep, the more wide awake he was! The kiss with Aaron kept replaying in his head over and over again. Why did he have to go and do that? He knew how much Aaron was still hurting over Jackson; he should have kept his emotions in check. He liked Aaron a lot, there was something about him; and he felt drawn towards him; 'moth to flame' fashion. He knew, by the things Aaron had told him; that Aaron had been a bad boy when he was younger; and that puzzled him even more. If Aaron's account of his personality was true; that he was 'bad news', why was he attracted to a 'hoodie thug' who he would normally cross the street to avoid? Yet, there was a vulnerability about him; he was not the tough guy he liked to portray to the outside world. He wondered if his brother Jackson once had these same thoughts about him; he so wished he could have known him; to have him here right now to talk to. But, that was ridiculous; for if he was still around, Aaron would still be with him and there was no way he could have made a play for his brother's boyfriend!

Aaron was wide awake too, back at Smithy Cottage; he still did not know what to make of his feelings for Jayson. He had really enjoyed the kiss; but it had frightened him a little, he was afraid to let himself be close to someone other than Jackson. He was confused, what did he think of Jayson; was the fact that Jayson seemed like a reincarnated Jackson colouring his judgement? He knew that Jackson would want him to move on; to be happy, but he expected to eventually meet someone completely different; not Jackson mark two! But then, there was a connection; Jayson was Jackson's half-brother after all; Aaron and Jayson already had something in common. The other problem was that he still had a fear of getting close to anyone at all; as they always seemed to get hurt; or to have bad things happen to them. Maybe he was destined to be alone.

The next morning, Aaron walked into the kitchen and headed towards the kettle to make a cup of tea. As he filled the kettle with water, Paddy appeared from the surgery.

"Making a brew?" enquired the vet, "Good, I'm gasping!"

"Who said I was going to make you one?" Aaron replied cheekily.

"You're back to your usual unhelpful self this morning!"

"You know me, all heart!"

"I reckon this Jayson is a good influence on you," Paddy smiled, "He seems to have perked you up a bit."

Aaron thought about that statement. Paddy had obviously seen a change in him since Jayson came on the scene; maybe he was a good thing.

"Yeah," Aaron had a smile playing around his lips, "I think he has."

Aaron decided that he wanted to see Jayson again. Like Jackson before him, Jayson seemed to draw him like a magnet. He picked up his mobile and dialled the number.

"Hi Aaron," Jayson's voice was on the other end of the line.

Aaron still trembled a bit when he heard that voice; so much like Jackson's, "Hi mate, I wondered if you wanted to meet up tonight?"

"Yeah, if you like, where do you want to meet?"

"I was thinking we could go to the Woolpack, that's if you can stand the locals gawping at you all night!"

"It's not so bad now I know why they're gawping! Last time, I thought I'd grown another head or something!"

"That's normal round here! That and little green Martians!" Aaron laughed, "See you about seven, yeah!"

"OK, see you then."

xxxxxxxxxx

Aaron and Jayson sat at a table at the back of the pub. Their route to the table had been a circuitous one, as every person in the bar had insisted on being introduced to this new arrival. Aaron thought Pearl was going to have a heart attack when she clapped eyes on Jayson and he noticed that she ordered a brandy at the bar, presumably to counter the shock she had just received. Chas and Marlon, of course, were prepared this time and gave Jayson a warm reception, as did anyone else who had already seen him on the first visit to the Woolpack.

"Thanks for ringing me and inviting me out," said Jayson, once they had finally settled in their seats, "I was wondering whether to call you; I didn't know what reaction I'd get after...you know."

Aaron knew that Jayson was referring to the kiss, "Like I said before, it's OK, I didn't mind; in fact, I liked it."

"Good! But I won't try that again, not until I know you're ready. That's if you want me to, of course."

"Look Jayson," Aaron turned serious, "I'm still getting my head round all this. I really like you and want us to meet up, like we're doing now, but I don't know how long it will be before I can commit to a relationship, if I ever can. I don't want to string you along; give you the impression that I can be your boyfriend or anything, if I find eventually that I can't."

"That's fine. I'm glad that you're being honest with me; and I do understand. You need time to grieve for Jackson. I've got all the time in the world. Let's just see how things go, eh?"

"You are so much like him! He was patient, kind; always listened to me, even if I was talking complete rubbish! If I did bad things, he'd stand by me; and get me out of trouble. I've never met anyone like him," Aaron was pleased that he was talking about Jackson without feeling a tight knot in the pit of his stomach.

"As you know, I never knew him; but I am jealous of him; having someone like you as a boyfriend!"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what I had put him through!" Aaron stared at his glass on the table.

"I'd really like to know more about him, he was my brother after all. Still, maybe when you feel like talking about him."

"It's alright; what do you want to know?"

"Well, I was wondering how he died...sorry, I shouldn't have asked that; you probably don't want to talk about it."

"I don't mind; it's only natural that you're curious about him. It was part of his condition, immobility and all; he used to get chest infections; couldn't clear his lungs. Anyway, the last time it happened, they whisked him into hospital, but he didn't seem to be responding to treatment. Anyway, complications developed, he got pneumonia and that was it!" Aaron felt the tears welling up; he fought to stop them falling.

"How awful!" Jayson's face looked really sad, almost as if he had been at his brother's side when he died, "I'm sorry Aaron, I'm so, so sorry!"

Aaron continued to look at the empty glasses on the table. He rose to his feet, "My round, I think," he said before heading for the bar. He was glad of the distraction as he did not know what else to say.

Aaron placed the fresh drinks down on the table in front of Jayson.

"Cheers!" said Jayson, "So, I was going to ask you, I'm going to a gig next week; a mate of mine is in a local band and I've got two tickets. Would you like to go?"

Aaron did not hesitate to answer; he wanted to spend more time with Jayson, "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Good; should be a top night out!"

It occurred to Aaron how it could so easily have been Jackson saying that! Jayson was like his brother in every way.

xxxxxxxxxx

Aaron really enjoyed himself at the gig, the band were very good and he was becoming increasingly comfortable in Jayson's company. They arranged to meet at Bar West the following evening and Aaron was looking forward to it. He was just finishing work on a Vauxhall Nova when Cain spoke, "So, you meeting this new boyfriend again tonight, are ya?"

"He's not a boyfriend," Aaron said, defensively, "he's just a mate!"

"You've had a stupid grin on your face all day! Are you sure he's just a mate?"

"Yeah! I'm not ready for another boyfriend yet; not after..." Aaron still sometimes had trouble in mentioning Jackson's name without feeling the tears starting to well up.

"Yeah, I know," said Cain, showing uncharacteristic sympathy.

Aaron was a bit late arriving at Bar West. As he entered, he looked around to see if Jayson had already arrived. He saw him at a table in the corner and was about to approach him when he realised that Jayson was laughing and chatting with another man; in fact, he was Jayson's friend; the drummer from the band that had been performing the previous night.

Aaron suddenly felt a rush of jealousy hit him as he saw Jayson kiss the guy. The feeling came out of the blue; and he wondered why he was getting possessive over a guy who was 'just a mate'. It struck him that he had feelings for Jayson which he had not previously acknowledged; without realising it, he was falling for him!

Aaron suddenly had the urge to turn and run out of the bar, but he told himself he was being stupid. Jayson was perfectly entitled to kiss whoever he wanted. He approached the table casually and greeted Jayson.

"Hi Aaron," said Jayson, "You remember my friend Stevie from last night?"

Stevie shook Aaron's hand, "Did you enjoy the gig?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was great!" replied Aaron.

"Stevie's just popped in for a quick one before he goes to meet the rest of the band," said Jayson.

"Talking of which," said Stevie, "I must be off! See you soon, Jay! 'Bye Aaron," he said before he left.

"Nice guy that Stevie," said Jayson, as Aaron sat down.

"Known him long?" Aaron enquired.

"A while now, he was a friend of Vic's. When I came out, Vic told me Stevie was gay and we became friends, he helped me deal with some stuff, he's a good mate. "

"I thought you didn't know anyone who came to Bar West," Aaron wondered if Jayson had not been entirely honest with him.

"I didn't, he hasn't been here before. He lives in Leeds and doesn't come to Hotten much; only to the shop. He came in today and I told him I was meeting you here, so he tagged along to see what it was like in here."

"You seemed a bit cosy, are you and he...?"

"No! Like I said, he's just a mate," Jayson echoed Aaron's previous statement that he had made to Cain. "He lives with his boyfriend in Leeds. Anyway, why do you ask?"

"No reason!" Aaron suddenly wanted to let Jayson know how he was feeling, "I just wondered if you were getting serious with anyone, that's all."

"No, I'm not," Jayson looked directly at Aaron, "but there is someone I'd like to get serious with!"

Aaron leaned across and kissed Jayson, his previously denied, pent-up feelings suddenly bursting to the surface like a volcano erupting.

Jayson looked stunned, "Wow, where did that come from!" he gasped.

"Didn't you like it?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah, of course I did, but I thought you wanted time to sort things out before rushing into anything."

"Look Jayson," Aaron looked pensive, "It's not fair on you to keep you hanging on. I didn't know how I felt until tonight, but now I know. I want to give it a go with you; if you do."

"Yeah, of course I do, but only if you're sure."

"Yeah, I'm sure. I wasn't sure if the feelings I had were for you, or for Jackson; as you are so much like him. But I've come to realise that you are a different person, with your own life, your own business, your own friends. You are Jayson, not Jackson!"

"I'd never try to replace him; I know he holds a special place in your heart. I want to be your boyfriend, Aaron, but only if you're certain that's what you really want."

Aaron took Jayson's hand in his own, "Who knows what will happen, all relationships are different, but I want to try, we'll just have to see how it goes. All I know right now is that I like you, a lot."

"Aaron, you know I like you a lot too; but I've never had a boyfriend before; I hope you'll be patient with me if I get things wrong!"

Aaron smiled, "Like you once said to me; I've got all the time in the world!"


	5. Chapter 5

Aaron's Lament – Chapter 5

_DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV_

"So," Vic smiled at his cousin as they both stood behind the counter in their shop, "Aaron wants to get serious, does he?"

"Yes," replied Jayson, "well, he did say he wants to be my boyfriend, if that's what you mean."

"You don't look one hundred per cent sure about it!"

"I don't know," Jayson looked thoughtful, "he's my first boyfriend; maybe everyone has doubts when they first go out with someone. Did you; with your first girlfriend I mean?"

"I did wonder if she was 'the one'; but it turned out she wasn't; that's something you can only find out over time. Is there anything else making you think twice, this early on?"

Jayson furrowed his brow as he spoke, "It's just that I can't get it out of my head that he may only want to be with me as I remind him of his ex."

"Jackson, you mean?"

"Yeah, the brother I never knew. Do you think I'm being ridiculous?"

"No, not really. I can see why you might think that. What does Aaron say about it?"

"He swears that he wants me for myself, not a substitute for Jackson."

"Well," Vic rubbed his chin with his hand, "All I can say is, give it your best shot; you obviously like the guy a lot and he seems to like you. That's all you can ask for; for starters."

xxxxxxxxxx

Aaron had the day off work and was sitting in the kitchen of Smithy Cottage, wondering how to spend his free time. He wanted to call Jayson, but he knew that he was working all day; however there was no harm in asking him out to lunch, he thought to himself.

"Hi Aaron," Jayson answered his mobile, "Lunch? I'd like to; but I can't today, I'm busy. Sorry. I'll call you later, OK?"

Aaron decided to head to the Woolpack for his lunch. He was just tucking into one of Marlon's chef's specials when Adam appeared.

"Alright for some!" Adam joked, "Sitting in the pub all day while some of us are slaving away!"

"You should try working in a family business; oh wait, you did that and couldn't hack it!"

"If you're going to be a comedian; you need to work on your act!" Adam rolled his eyes; making Aaron smile, "Anyway, you not meeting Jayson today?"

"No; said he was busy."

Adam sat at the table opposite Aaron and looked at his friend's pensive face, "OK, what's wrong?" he asked.

Aaron looked a little surprised, "Who said anything was wrong?"

"Look mate, I've known you long enough to know when something's bothering you! Is it Jayson?"

Aaron looked at Adam with a serious expression. Adam was a good friend; like a brother in fact; and he knew that he was one of the very few people he could open up to.

"It might be nothing," Aaron confided, "But I think he was giving me the brush off today."

"Isn't he working?"

"Yeah, so I asked him to meet me for lunch; but he was stand-offish. I don't know what I've done wrong."

"Maybe he's busy, the world doesn't revolve around Aaron Livesy, you know," Adam tried to make light of the situation.

"Cheers! Some mate you are!"

"Stop worrying! Everything will be fine; just talk to him about it and don't retreat into that shell of yours!"

Adam did, indeed, know Aaron so well.

xxxxxxxxxx

Aaron waited for the rest of the day, but there was still no call from Jayson. He lost count of the number of times that he went to dial Jayson's number; but he had a mixed feelings about it. Maybe Jayson was indeed trying to finish with him; and he was afraid of that. On the other hand, he was asking himself why he should be the one to make the first move; Jayson had said that he would ring him later.

As he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, Aaron fretted about the silent treatment he was suddenly getting from a man who had told him that he wanted to be his boyfriend. Maybe Jayson was still unsure that Aaron wanted him for himself and not as a replacement for his half-brother Jackson. He did not know how he was going to prove to Jayson that he wanted him; especially as he had not yet totally convinced himself of his own feelings on the matter. Despite everything, he turned over on his side and tried to get to sleep.

Aaron was on auto-pilot the next day at work. Cain was out all day; which pleased him greatly as he was not in the mood for his constant ribbing. Debbie was in charge, but she could see that Aaron was in one of his quiet moods so she left him to get on with his work. After a long morning, Aaron headed to the Woolpack for lunch. Chas took one look at his face and invited him into the back room; Aaron was actually pleased about that as he was not in a sociable mood.

As Aaron sat with his sandwich and drink, Chas spoke to him, "So, are you gonna tell me what's bothering you?"

Aaron gave his mother his trademark sneer, "Leave it out, Mum!"

"So, something is definitely troubling you, that's the only reason I'd get that reaction."

"I don't wanna talk about it!"

"You just seemed so happy again after you met this Jayson. You've had a falling out, haven't you?"

"Not exactly, he just seems to be ignoring me, that's all."

"What have you done this time?" asked Chas, as she had asked countless times before.

"Nothing! Well, nothing I can think of."

"Look love; whatever it is; just sort it out. It will only get worse if you keep bottling it up."

Aaron stared at the floor; for once, his mother was right!

xxxxxxxxxx

It had been two days since Aaron had heard from Jayson and he was climbing the walls, driving himself mad over the silence from a potential new boyfriend. He had attempted to ring Jayson on several occasions, but his number always went to voicemail. Almost without realising it, he found himself outside Jayson's shop. He could not stand it any longer; he needed to know what the situation was; whether it was good or bad news. He strolled into the shop, half expecting to see Jayson standing behind the counter; however, Vic was there on his own, without any customers.

"Hi Aaron," Vic greeted him; "I suppose you're looking for Jayson."

"Yeah, is he here?"

"No, not today. He said he wasn't feeling too well so he's having a day off."

"Is he at home then?" asked Aaron, looking disappointed.

"Yeah, he is."

"Do you think he'd mind if I went round to see him?"

"I don't know." Vic looked serious, "Listen mate, I think he's unsure about things, he's trying to get his head straight; no pun intended!"

"He's not sure about me, you mean?"

"It's not my place to say, that's something you'll have to sort out with him."

"Yeah, I know," Aaron looked ill at ease, "I'd better see if he'll talk to me."

On the walk to Jayson's flat, Aaron kept going over past events in his mind. When he thought about it, the situation did seem surreal; meeting a man who was the image of Jackson; that man being Jackson's brother, falling in love again; no wonder Jayson was struggling to cope with it all; Aaron himself was still trying to come to terms with it.

Aaron stood outside Jayson's door, almost afraid to knock. He had half a mind to spin round and run away; but he had come this far; he had to see this through now. Lifting his hand hesitantly, he banged on the door.

Jayson opened the door and smiled when he saw Aaron standing there, "Hi Aaron, come on in," he invited. It occurred to Aaron that Jayson looked tired; maybe Vic was right and Jayson was indeed under the weather.

"Would you like a drink or something?" Jayson asked, after sitting Aaron down on the sofa.

"No thanks," Aaron replied, "I just wanna talk, if that's OK."

"Yeah," replied Jayson, sitting down next to Aaron.

"Why haven't you answered my calls?" asked Aaron, trying not to sound confrontational.

"Sorry; I didn't know what to say to you," Jayson began, "to be honest; I've been trying to sort out my feelings about you. Not only that, but I've had concerns about your feelings towards me. I still have this nagging doubt that you just like me because I remind you of my brother. I want you to like me for who I am."

Aaron looked at Jayson intently, deciding what his next response would be; as if the next words he uttered would shape his whole future, "And did you come to any conclusions? What are your feelings towards me?"

Jayson decided to take the bull by the horns, "I think I love you, Aaron; it sounds crazy as I barely know you really; but I feel a strong attraction; as if some force is drawing me towards you. I am scared that I feel this way. Does that sound stupid?"

"No!" Aaron replied, he knew exactly how Jayson felt as he had precisely the same feelings himself, "I do understand perfectly. I want you Jayson; I can't bear it when I can't see you or talk to you; I used to have the same feelings about Jackson and it scares me that I can feel this way again; about you! That's why I was worried that these feelings were still for Jackson and not really for you."

"And are they for me?"

"Yes, they are; I realise that now. When I couldn't get in contact with you, I was worried about you and I missed you. I think I'm falling in love with you too."

They looked into each other's eyes, a silent understanding passed between them. Before they knew what was happening, they were kissing passionately; arms encircling one and other's bodies as they surrendered to their instincts. When they finally broke the kiss, Jayson rose to his feet and took Aaron's hand, pulling him towards the bedroom.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" asked Aaron, as the pair of them stood by the bed; undressing each other.

"I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life," answered Jayson before they locked lips again and fell, naked, onto the bed. During the night, they sealed the bond between them; discovering that they were compatible in every way possible; finding out that physical intimacy fused them together as one and made them closer. Now, there were no doubts anymore.

Aaron awoke and realised Jayson's arm was draped across his chest. Even though he was still asleep, Jayson wore a smile of contentment. Both of them had finally given in to their feelings; each of them knew that they had done the right thing. Aaron looked at Jayson's face; sleeping peacefully it was uncanny how like Jackson he was and Aaron suddenly felt a warm feeling inside as he realised that he could get over the hurt of losing Jackson; even though at one time it would have seemed impossible. It occurred to him how lucky he was.

xxxxxxxxxx

Paddy was sitting at the breakfast table in Smithy Cottage when Aaron bounded through the door.

"So here you are," Paddy smirked, "dirty stop-out!"

"I texted you!" Aaron replied, as if by explanation.

"I know; thanks. You been with Jayson? Sorry, it's none of my business." Paddy grimaced as if he was about to get a lecture from Aaron.

"Yeah, I've been with Jayson. We've sorted things."

"Good, I'm glad you're moving on with your life."

"Yeah," Aaron had a huge grin on his face, "Everything is perfect now!"


End file.
